Terrible Christmas Songs

“Jingle Bell Schlock”

I like Christmas.  It is, as they say in the song, the most wonderful time of the year.  It’s what I’ve always celebrated with my family, and the fond childhood memories of gifts under the tree are plentiful.  But not everyone celebrates Christmas, so it must be a little bit weird when every radio station plays nothing but Christmas songs for the entire month of December. Especially when one of those songs come on.  You know the ones that I’m talking about.

Sing about something long enough and eventually people are going to run out of things to say.  That’s at least what I assume happened for several of the popular Christmas songs out there because they are just terrible.  I don’t mean musically terrible; that’s a whole separate list.  I can tell you all about the deeply unsettling Iggy Pop cover of “White Christmas,” or why Maroon 5’s cover of “Happy Christmas (War is Over)” is a smelly trash fire, but right now I’m gonna pick out some of the thematically worst Christmas songs.  Songs that are supposed to share the message of the season but instead end up burning it at the stake.  Or are just plain bad.

“Santa Baby,” By Eartha Kitt

I was never particularly fond of this one, but I don’t have much against it, either.  It’s just that as a song about a celebration of peace, love, and goodwill among men, it seems odd to sing about being Santa’s little gold digger. Because that’s just about the only way I can justify the repeated demands for increasingly expensive Christmas gifts.  In a very sultry tone, no less.  Oh, and there’s that line about “come and trim my Christmas tree,” which is a big ol’ sheesh both in and out of context.

There’s nothing wrong with singing about sexual relations between a couple separated in age by three hundred years, but c’mon, I don’t really want to think too hard about Saint Nick coming down my chimney.

I could probably have included Clarence Carter’s “Back Door Santa” in this same spot for the same reasons, though at least Carter makes it abundantly clear that he is not the real Santa.  Because the real Santa only comes once a year.  Doesn’t exactly take an English major to parse that one out.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” by Elmo and Patsy

My first introduction to this song was in my father’s 2003 Volkswagen Beetle on the way to my aunt and uncle’s house for Christmas dinner.  That was back in the day when we still had a case full of CDs to play music, and the disc of that trip was Dr. Demento’s album of Christmas novelty songs.  And I was five, so I loved it.

Looking back, I always thought it was an absolutely hilarious song, and it only made it funnier that my grandparents openly hated it.  But listening to it now, on those odd days when I stumble into the bathroom at 3 AM and hear it blasting on the radio, I’m not quite so fond of it.

Not only is it musically unappealing, the lyrics are downright cheesy at best and straight up nonsense at worst.  It plays into just about every stereotype and cliché known to humanity, from grandma being a medicated alcoholic and wearing a wig to the unfazed grandfather watching football, drinking beer, and playing cards with Cousin Mel.  I guess that’s part of the humor, the use of these clichés.  But it just isn’t that funny.  It’s kind of irritating and morbid, really.  And not good Christmas satire.

“Baby, it’s Cold Outside,” by Frank Loesser

I know this song has been getting a lot of flak recently, but if you ask me, it’s rightfully deserved.  The sexiest part of foreplay is getting consent, and like certain frat houses, this song does not have a very good track record.  The woman singing outright says “The answer is no,” and if I’ve learned anything from my university’s sexual assault prevention clinics, there isn’t anything clearer than that.

I don’t want to make light of sexual assault.  It’s a horrendous trauma to have to live with, and though I do not have any personal experience, I would assume this song sends off a lot of alarm bells for survivors.  Hell, when I was younger and didn’t understand the concept of putting alcohol in soda, I literally thought that the guy drugged her when she says “Hey, what’s in this drink?”  And I guess I just ignored it because everyone else did.

Technically speaking, alcohol is a drug. So, in a way, he is drugging her. Which is just creepy on so many levels, and not something I want to hear casually crooned about while I shop for a new 3DS in sweaty GameStop.  Yes, the song came from a different time, and sure there could be arguments made about the context of courtship in those times.  But you know what else came from a different time?  Nazis, and we still can’t seem to get rid of them.

“Do they Know it’s Christmas,” by Band Aid

And now we come to what I consider the crème de la crème of terrible Christmas songs.  Topping the UK’s charts upon release, no doubt in part because of the supergroup that was Band Aid, it’s become a staple of feel-good winter charity events and holiday shopping alike.  It’s catchy and easy to sing along with.  It’s got some nice bells in there, and a good rhythm.  But once you listen to the words, it falls apart.

Take a close look at the lyrics of the original 1984 version, the most popular one.  “There’s a world outside your window, and it’s a world of dread and fear.  Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears.  And the Christmas bells that ring there are the clanging chimes of doom.”

“Tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.”

Lord almighty, what?  What the hell kind of Christmas song is that?  And who in their right might thought “thank God it’s them” was a good line?  Oh, wait, you know who?  Renowned humanitarian Bob Geldof.  And fucking Bono.  Also a humanitarian.  At least a dozen songwriters read this over and thought, “yup, we can sing this about real people in a real place facing real trouble.”  These lyrics sound like something the emo kid would write for poetry class in sixth grade, not the work of professionals.

I don’t have the time or knowledge base to completely unpack the clusterfuck of eurocentrism and white privilege that is this song.  It’s patronizing and dehumanizing, simplifying an entire country, nay, an entire continent to one homogenous group that needs the help of white people because the lives of Africans are terrible.  And you know what?  Its historical basis isn’t even accurate.

The song was written for the 1983-1985 Ethiopian famine as a quick way to make money to donate to relief efforts. Which is a great cause.  And it worked; between this song and “We are the World,” the better-selling American version, Band Aid and Live Aid raised millions of dollars.  But it didn’t solve the problem.  Because despite the apparent western belief that Africa is one big sand pit, many African countries are lush and green.  The song ackowledges this with the lines “The greatest gift they’ll get this year is life.  Where nothing ever grows, no rain or rivers flow.”  And despite that, the UN concluded that the famine was primarily caused by human rights abuses perpetrated by the Ethiopian government, not a lack of rain.  A government, might I add, that refused most aid for the duration of the crisis.

I guess Bono did change his god-awful line for later versions.  And At least I can say that songwriters Bob Geldof and Midge Ure realized (albeit much later) that they may have made a mistake on this one.  Geldof even went so far to say that it was one of the worst songs in history.  The other song being “We are the World.”  So despite everything, in that respect, he’s right.

Some Ironic Alternatives

A lot of the issues with these songs are hotly contested, and don’t particularly matter if you don’t pay attention to the words.  But it’s a bit unsettling to hear some of these as they keep their place in the western Christmas canon.  Anyway, here are some other, better songs that I believe deserve more attention than those other garbage dumpsters.

“You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” Thurl Ravenscroft: The definitive original version may actually be part of many a Christmas album’s repertoire, but I’d still much rather listen to this cartoony bit than the hot mess that is “Santa Baby.”

“Christmas at Ground Zero,” ‘Weird’ Al Yankovic: It’s Weird Al.  Yes, I know, I can’t take him seriously, either.  This song was also on Dr. Demento’s Christmas album.  But it is a far superior piece of comedic writing and holiday satire than “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” ever hoped to be.

“Little Dealer Boy,” Willie Nelson and Stephen Colbert: Sure, I guess this one is also a novelty song, but maybe instead of spiking someone’s drink, just try taking a toke or something.  Also, it’s got Stephen Colbert, so it’s pretty clever. Or at least it thinks it is.

“Christmas,” The Who: This song isn’t supposed to be funny, and it has more to do with the overarching narrative of Tommy than it does with Christmas, but I’ll be damned if someone tries to tell me it isn’t truer to the Christmas spirit than “Do They Know it’s Christmas.”

I may not be very religious, but I know a thing or two about the history of Christmas, and I think the big JC has something to do with it.  And on an interesting note, The Who’s “Christmas” is only one of two songs on this list to actually mention Jesus.  I’ll let you figure out the other.