What the Heck is Up with that Mario Movie Casting?

“It’s-a me. Chris Pratt.”

Hey, it’s a shorter post this week! I’m trying a new thing where, as my life gets busier and I have less and less time to focus on the things that are in my life that aren’t my job or the people I love, I’ve decided to cut back on the blog a little bit. This weekend I was too busy because I was at a wedding, which was a ton of fun! Congrats, Steph and Kelli! But anyway, while I’ll still be posting Spectral Crown some weeks until I run out of it, I’m also going to try and shorten up what I post if I just don’t really feel like I have time to make it a much longer piece. I know, I know, I’ve said this several times before, but this time, it’s for real. Regular posts should be shorter now, if only because there are a lot of things in my life I want to focus my energies on, and while this blog is one of them, it isn’t exactly a priority. But we’ll see how long that commitment lasts. Let’s take bets on how many weeks until I break my new rule and spend four hours on a post. Two weeks? Three? We’ll see.

Anyway! What the fuck is going on at Nintendo? Or Illumination, I guess. In case you hadn’t heard, just last week Nintendo announced, among other things, the lineup of actors for the upcoming Super Mario movie. If you didn’t know that there even was a new Super Mario movie on the horizon, I can’t blame you, because it’s felt like forever since they first announced it was in the works, and it’s been pretty much radio silence since then. I mean, there was kind of a leak in August where Sebastian Maniscalco (who is he, anyway?) said he’d be playing Foreman Spike in the upcoming Mario Movie, but that didn’t seem like a thing that really mattered, you know? But this is the big times, now, with the lead actors and actresses in the movie. And it’s a veritable who’s-who of Hollywood, I guess, but it also just feels like a fucking grab-bag of names. Chris Pratt as Mario, Charlie Day (of “Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” I guess?) as Luigi, Anya Taylor-Joy as Peach, Jack Black as Bowser, Seth Rogen as Donkey Kong, Keegan-Michael Key (from Key and Peele) as Toad, and Fred Armisen (I only know him from “Portlandia”) as Cranky Kong. What the fuck is this potluck of people?

First off, who the fuck chose Chris Pratt? I can’t think of a single person I know who would look at the Mario movie and think, “you know, let’s get that guy from Avengers. Not any of the cool ones, but the one that punched Thanos right before they got the glove off.” I guess he’s got the voice-acting credit from working with the Lego Movie (which I didn’t actually know was Chris Pratt until recently), so maybe it won’t be terrible, but as I read somewhere, his announcement Instagram post sounds like someone doing an impression of Christ Pratt doing an impression of Mario. It is not inspiring. I don’t dislike the guy, but I don’t like him, either. I’d rather have had Charles Martinet do the whole thing.

Or I’d rather have had them go with the old-school Mario interpretation, with the weird, grizzled plumber-from-Brooklyn thing that Lou Albano had. Or, heaven help us, Bob Hoskins. They’ve at least got an accent that makes sense for an Italian man from New York. Is Chris Pratt gonna try and do that? Or is it gonna be like a kind of “yahoo, ha ha!” sort of voice? I don’t know, and I’m scared to find out. At least Charlie Day as Luigi makes a little more sense, he could kind of do the Danny Wells thing a bit, the sad, over-stimulated bean pole kind of voice. But it’s still such a weird choice for Luigi! I don’t get it.

I actually have no complaints about Anya Taylor-Joy as Peach, mostly because I don’t know anything about her and Peach is a non-character anyway. I’m sure she’ll do as much as she can in a role that’s intrinsically limiting. Unless the movie goes in a more interesting direction and gives Peach an actual role beyond just “save this princess?” They could! And it would be great if they! But I don’t think it’ll happen! Anyway, Jack Black just confuses me. Like, when I started reading the names, it just got worse and worse as things went on. It felt like someone was playing a prank on me, or something. Bowser’s supposed to have this deep, intimidating voice, so unless they do something like the Benedict Cumberbatch-Smaug treatment, I just don’t get it. Jack Black is Nacho Libre, not giant lizard-tyrant. And Seth Rogen, too! Why is he Donkey Kong? Why is he in a kid’s movie at all, actually? Has he ever done anything like this before? I have no idea and I also don’t care to find out, but it just boggles my mind.

Fred Armisen is the only other name I really know in the list, but again: why? Why, for one, is Cranky Kong in this movie, and why Fred Armisen? But that question is true of anything in this bizarro-world, because clearly we are living in some sort of twisted parody of the universe where the real Mario movie is being made.

I don’t know. I’ve got nothing to say on this that hasn’t already been said a billion times on every major entertainment news outlet and/or twitter thread. It’s just so weird to me. I had low expectations for this movie the minute I knew it was being produced by the Minions people, because while the original Despicable Me is pretty fun, I don’t like almost anything else they’ve made. Including The Lorax, sadly. But this? I don’t know, it isn’t even like I’m particularly mad about it. It’s more that I feel like I’ve been absolutely blindsided by the whole thing. Maybe this is a sign the film won’t be a completely boring and inoffensive by-the-numbers kids movie, because I think above all else, the worst possible outcome for the Mario movie is for it to be forgettable. If it’s just completely mediocre and unmemorable, that’s worse, in my mind, than being bad. I mean, the Bob Hoskins Mario movie was bad, but we still talk about it. But a boring movie? No one will remember it, and watching it would just be painful. I’d rather this movie, this huge investment into one of the world’s largest media franchises, be a total incongruous shitshow than be just a shrug. And maybe, with this completely left-field cast of actors, maybe it will be. At least then it’ll be guaranteed to be entertaining, even more so if you’re already an established Mario fan and the whole already sounds like sacrilege.

Of course, this all begs the question, if I had my way, who would I cast? Well, with Lou Albano being dead, and if it has to be someone besides Charles Martinet, I think I’d pick Danny Devito as Mario. He’s got the accent, he can do the kind of character actor thing that a really strange, aggressive Mario interpretation would need. Because if we aren’t doing the traditional Martinet Mario, where else would you go? Luigi would have to be some sort of bumbling chucklefuck, so maybe Michael Cera? Or Tobey Maguire? Like Sam Raimi’s Spiderman Tobey Maguire, or even Great Gatsby Tobey Maguire. Anya Taylor-Joy can keep Peach. Again, it doesn’t really matter who plays that role, because unless Peach gets to be a real character, she’s the personality equivalent of a participation trophy (unless you count the spinoff games as canon, anyway). If she were to be a real character, though, Anya Taylor-Joy is still fine.

For Bowser, I think it has to be someone menacing, someone who could bring a little gravitas to the role. Because I know Mario is a cartoon world, and the games are goofy and light-hearted, but Bowser’s got his moments. So I think maybe Jeremy Irons, or J.K. Simmons, or even like Danny Trejo, all actors with great villain voices. Not Jack Black. Though, actually, I would still keep Jack Black, and relocate him to a role as Donkey Kong; again, the kind of class clown thing works well in Donkey Kong’s book. And as for Toad, who’s supposed to be this shrill, grating little goblin, I don’t think Steve Buscemi’s an awful pick. Or maybe Nancy Cartwright, who voices Bart Simpson, or Casey Kasem, who’s always voiced Shaggy in the animated Scooby-Doos. Now that would be a time.

As I wrote this, I realized that I don’t actually know a lot of actors or actresses, so tell me who you’d cast in the Mario movie! Who would be better than Chris Pratt as Mario, and why is it literally anyone else? Leave your thoughts in the comments, and I’ll leave you with my favorite reaction to the announcements of the Mario cast.