“And every single one of them is absolutely true.”
Pisces: How do you feel about your relationships, Pisces? Are you stressed out by them sometimes? It’s okay to be stressed out, emotions can be difficult to process and finding them to be hard to understand is not only legitimate but part of being human. But today is a good day to reconcile those feelings with your life. If you feel love for someone, make sure to tell them, because everyone likes to hear that. If you’re mad at somebody, try to figure out why. Think about burying the hatchet and letting those worries slip away, fall off your back and disappear in the breeze. If you’re confused about your own identity and your relationship with the world, that’s okay, too. Not everything is always clear cut. That’s what we’re all here for. To help each other figure things out. Try and improve yourself today by improving the lives of those you care about. I promise, you won’t regret it.
Aries: Are you all fired up, Aries? Good! Take that energy and use it for something constructive, like building that bench you always promised your partner you would put in the garden. Or something else, like collecting the skulls of deer from the forest behind your house to make a funeral pyre. Or maybe even channel all that fuel into your career! Try getting ahead on that risky project if you work at home, or look into a new job. Go for a job out into the community and see what kinds of trees and flowers are sprouting. Help an old woman cross the street while avoiding eye contact with her the entire time, especially since she has no eyes but can see you anyway. Clean up those extra dishes that your roommate keeps leaving around. This kind of motivation shouldn’t be wasted; it’s a chance to use that vision you have and help make your life more fruitful. Today is a good day to be productive and contribute to society, unlike every other day.
Taurus: I’ll give you something to cry about, Taurus. The exact date and time of your death is October 19th, 2020 at 5:34 PM, based upon the Gregorian calendar and the placement of the rising stars. You will die painfully and unexpectedly at the hands of strangers who will sacrifice you to appease the Coming Darkness, but to no avail. Your death will be in vain and you will be quickly forgotten. But other than that, today is going to be a good day for you. If you put your mind to it, the stars say that today you can finally stop worrying about what others think of you and how you appear on the outside. Remember, looking your best can be a great way to boost your self-esteem and overall attitude, but it’s all about feeling your best that matters. Take some time to look inward today, and contemplate things like if you really enjoy your job or you’re just doing it because your parents would be disappointed if you didn’t. It is your life, and yours alone. And considering you don’t have much left, you should pay attention to yourself.
Gemini: The world is very strange, isn’t it, Gemini? For example, isn’t it strange that there’s something standing behind you right now? Don’t look, though, they don’t like to be looked at. If you turn around very, very slowly, you might be able to see it out of the corner of your eye before it fills your lungs with dust and dead meat. Or, better yet, don’t look at it at all, and let it pass quietly by. It doesn’t want you. Yet. Give it some time, though, because once the Coming Darkness arrives, it will be at its full power and it and its brothers and sisters will not hesitate to split your soul from your body and cast it to the cosmic winds. The aether awaits you in your future, but how you want to greet it is up to you. Maybe you can see it in the reflection of your computer screen. Maybe not. But it can definitely see you, and it knows exactly what you’re thinking.
Cancer: Do you feel sick, Cancer? Maybe you’re coming down with something, because you can expect to feel exhausted by the end of the day. I hope you haven’t been ignoring your selfcare, because if you aren’t going to look out for number one, who is? Taking time off to heal yourself is a perfectly valid reason to say no to social gatherings, especially if those social gatherings are your friends inexplicably committing profane acts of violence against wax statues of themselves. You should try avoiding any Capricorns today, because the stars are in their twelfth house, and their energy isn’t going to align with yours. Don’t be surprised if you and a close friend or family member get in a fight today! You can always repair things with someone if you love them enough, but you can never take them back to the way they were. And remember that if you’re feeling low, you aren’t making your best decisions.
Leo: If you feel like everything you do doesn’t have any point to it, it’s because you’re right, Leo. If you feel like the world is coming apart at the seams, it’s because it is. If you feel like the Coming Darkness is closing in and that the light will never be strong enough, it’s because now even the light is afraid, and our time in the sun is over. But don’t let that stop you from enjoying the warmth outside while you have it! Go out with your friends and loved ones. Take a walk through the park or a stroll down the beach. It could be a good day for ice cream, too! Even if the weather is cold outside, it’s never a bad time to indulge a harmless whim. Remember to laugh and love those around you, but in the evening you can expect to want to be at home, and that’s okay. Tomorrow might be a good opportunity for networking, especially with those hooded guests that will show up on your front porch demanding your firstborn child. Do not give them your firstborn. Give them your lastborn. It will work out in your favor that way.
Virgo: Still waiting for your life to start, Virgo? Although you are the Virgin Symbol, there is no reason to wait for anything anymore. Your life has already ended, so you might as well try to enjoy what’s left of it. The book is closed, the tale is finished, the number is about to be drawn. Everything is winding down, just as we knew it would. All things are temporary and all things must come to an end. This world is a very fragile one, so easily destroyed and not so easily put back together again. The universe does not care, and even the stars must follow the flow of time. Nothing lasts forever, not even the light. So consider embracing your fleeting existence before the onslaught of the Coming Darkness and its destruction. There’s still time to be one of the lucky ones, the ones that saw it coming. Even though you are already dead, I am already dead, we are already dead, it isn’t too late to live.
Libra: I’m sorry, Libra. You will be the first to experience the power of the Coming Darkness, though you will not be Its first victim. Consider this the best warning I can give you, because your life will corrupt. Not like those in power, or like an infection, but like a breaking down of all things. You will the faces of your loved ones melt away as they scream in long-dead languages. You see the stars fall from the sky, one by one, only to realize that they were never stars at all but eyes, every single one of them eyes and they were watching us the whole time. You will perceive colors that do not exist and songs that have no name for they cannot be named for their very existence defies all laws of nature. All balance that you thought you knew will cease to be, and the ground itself will twitch and squirm until it tears itself apart in its own disgust. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Scorpio: There’s something that I need you to remember, Scorpio. 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 12 13
Sagittarius: Oh no oh no oh no, Sagittarius. You don’t know what to do there’s nothing I can do anymore you’ve got to help me they’ve already found me and they’re already starting to break down the door to my mind please oh gods please help me I can see the Coming Darkness it’s there in my head already and I can’t get it out and soon you won’t be able to either because it spreads and it spreads and it never stops spreading like a plague of boils or locusts and oh gods its reaching out and its so cold so very cold and you’re next oh gods you need to leave but where can you hide when its already inside you inside me inside everyone please have mercy on us all and
Capricorn: Today is a day of great celebration, Capricorn, for it is a day of understanding. Today is The Day and you must prepare your body, for it is your starbound duty. Do not be afraid, no, it is a great honor. There will be no more waiting, for today is the day that you will become your true self. You must open the way for Its Being, and right the wrongs that plague this world. Rise, rise with the morning star and see the world anew, and awaken that which hungers within. In the coming days, you will bring about the Apocalypse. But it is not a mere apocalypse, no. It is a revelation, a knowing, the way the end of the world is meant to be. Cleanse us, oh cleanse us all and let things be as they are meant to be. Let the stars in, and let the stars go out. You are the vessel. You are the world. You are the stars. You are the Coming Darkness.
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Aquarius: How are you feeling, Aquarius? Today is going to be a great day for you! You should expect something like a promotion, or a proposal, or a new member of the family. But don’t wear yourself out worrying about it, it’s going to bring only good things in your life. You sure will feel like the future is hopeful today, and don’t be afraid to talk to your loved ones about it. Consider making some investments today, too, as the lucky stars are on your side, but don’t forget to use the money you have. When was the last time you bought something for yourself, like a new watch, or a fun movie? You should really think about enjoying your time while you plan for the future. Just don’t plan too far in advance.
–Andy Sima (2020)
What is happening here?! At least I got a good horoscope for the apparently limited days we have left. 😉