Three Things in Twenty-Six Hours in Minneapolis – Photobomb

“Consider the Following”

Have you ever said to yourself: “Wow, I have a friend visiting me in Minneapolis for approximately twenty-six hours. Considering that eight to twelve hours will be sleeping and one to two will be driving to and from the airport, this leaves between twelve and seventeen hours of open socialization time across two consecutive day-lengths. I need to know what I can do in Minneapolis and the surrounding metropolitan area that is going to entertain [insert friend’s name] so that they continue to tolerate my presence before realizing I am twenty-seven seagulls in a Hawaiian shirt.”

If this is you, then I have a perfect solution to your problem. In this short internet post, allow me to introduce to you three fool-proof interactions that you can utilize to enjoy quality time with [friend] while keeping your feathers and disguise intact. These are perfectly normal human interactions and ones that are often recommended by the zagat’s yelp google [relevant authorities] as reasonable alternatives to picking popcorn out of the cracks in a parking lot. Your [loved one of choice] will never suspect a thing.

1. Eat Human Food

Minneapolis, as a city, is known for approximately three foods; the hotdish, the Jucy Lucy, and beer. A hotdish is a glass container typically filled with mutilated potatoes, cow and cow byproducts, and an indeterminate vegetable. Jucy Lucy’s are cheeseburgers but in the wrong order; the cheese is inside of the meat, which instead of being inside of your stomach, is now all over your face and you are burning alive. Beer is a fermented grain beverage containing alcohol and, sometimes, flavor. With the exception of Matt’s Bar, which has the original and best Jucy Lucy, you would do well to avoid all three.

Instead, you may benefit by bringing your [human companion] to the Market at Malcolm Yards, where you/they can choose from a wide selection of popular food options, including but not limited to: Pizza, Burger, Alcohol, Fried Chicken, Pasta, Raw Fish, Ice Cream, and t̶̳͆h̸͌͜ę̵̒ ̸͖̃F̷͍̈́r̸͐͜e̴̢̓n̴͙͋c̵̙͑h̷̠̎. In fact, the [relevant authorities] recently decided that the Pizza, dubbed a Wrecktangle Pizza, is the best pizza in the United States of America, despite the fact that it is a Detroit-Style Pizza. Or as we in The BIZ call it, “an affront to God and Man.” The author of this helpful guide would have to agree that it is, in fact, delicious pizza, and would further add that the Shredder Pizza is the tip-top of the options. It has “Pepperoni,” spicy honey, and cheese. You can further impress your [friend] by inhaling an entire cup of pickled jalapenos as a surprise and party trick. Since you are a bird, the capsaicin will not bother you. Go forth and surprise.

If your [entourage] requires further sustenance, point them in the direction of the nearby Bebe Zito Ice Cream, with such exotic flavors as The Frosting From the Animal Cookies^TM and Monosodium Glutamate, among others. Although you should refrain from eating chocolate, as it will kill you and your twenty-six bodybirds nearly instantly, these ice creams are known to humans as being “exceptionally tasty” and “the best ice cream I have ever eaten.” During the time they are distracted by a Brain Freeze, you can replace your own ice cream with a bowl of spilled peanut butter from the nearby trash cans.

2. Walk On The Ground

Although every fiber of your being may be itching to break free of this limited mortal flesh and take to the skies, the Hawaiian Shirt Skin Suit is bound to the Earth. Luckily for you, so is your [close compatriot]. In this way, you can stroll together through the streets of Minneapolis and take in the sights. One such recommended space is the Stone Arch Bridge. Just down the river from the shackled corpse of the Falls of St. Anthony, as they are now known, this bridge offers a delightful view of the Mighty Mississippi as it carries tons of human waste and sewage away from the towers of steel. Eventually, it will dump into the ocean and poison your children. What was once an engine of industry, the seat of the world’s flour capital, controlled by legions of chains and undercut by the greed of men, in their diminished state the Falls still represent the furthest north you can travel the river by boat. If you ask nicely, the Army Corps of Engineers may let you take the lock-and-dam up, and if you ask extra nicely, they will not shoot you while doing it. You will not be expected to know this, though your [busom buddy] may ask. If they do, pretend that you saw a cool bird and make bird noises. Often, this attracts the unwanted attention of passersby, so do not be too accurate in your calls. Remember: you are not a bird. Not anymore.

During this walk, you may be treated such wonderful sights such as the Slightly Round Building, Golden Showers Building, and the Foshay Building, which you will recognize because it helpfully wears a nametag. This is in contrast to the others, which you will not recognize and know only by their appearance over the horizon as you cry quietly on your drive home from work every evening for four-hundred and fifty-eight days before you enter your slightly-off scent apartment behind the Quarry Shopping Center. Pro-tip: the Quarry Shopping Center is Minneapolis’s #5 sunset photo location!

Walking is a good time to reflect upon the space that you are in, both physically and hyperphysically. Take in the sunshine off the glass windows, and appreciate the breeze as it carries the scent of stale booze off the highway. This is an opportunity to further ground yourself in this reality. After walking along the bridge, you must cross over the ruins of an empire. This is a city built upon ghosts upon steel upon words. However, once you do, you will be in Downtown Minneapolis, where you have the option of roughly two open restaurants, since it is Sunday morning, and the streets will be largely empty, since the media wants you convinced that walking in a city will get you murdered. This is despite the fact that a) the city is perfectly safe, and b) you are the most dangerous thing on these streets at this time. If you believe your [non-bird confidant] is soon to discover this fact, take her out to brunch at one of the two restaurants. There you may enjoy more human food, and possibly devour the remnants of your kin. They pair well with waffles and gravy.

3. [CONSUME]

Much to the continued surprise and disappointment of this humble author, the Mall of America is a place that exists. It is the largest mall in the United States of America, though surprisingly, it is not the National Mall, as its name would imply. The true National Mall is some grass two thousand miles away. Do not make this mistake. You will be discovered if you do.

This Mall of America seems to have a strange allure to those of an American nature, a draw that even this writerly entity is not immune to. Your [pal] may request a trip there, but even if they don’t, it is a great way to spend an hour, an afternoon, a half-a-day, a lifetime. If you are struggling to find a more personal way to show your dedication and affection to this [gentle human], dazzling them with spectacle may be a positive substitute. It has been shown to be effective in ██% of studies, though █% of studies have resulted in [REDACTED], [REDACTED], four days of explosive diarrhea, and [REDACTED].

The immensity of options for food, drink, and activity is often minds-bogglingly expansive, perhaps more than twenty-seven brains could contain at any one time. Do not be afraid to try out several. You may be tempted by the indoor rollercoasters at the center of the mall, or perhaps the mini golf and rock climbing, or the vast array of arcades and toys on display, or the small LEGO pieces that look like dropped sesame seeds but are, in fact, not edible. Perhaps you will suggest the Hooter’s-Brand Food Establishment, much to the horror of your [partner in crime] as you realize that, no, those are not owls serving the dried-out globules they pass off as chicken wings. Or perhaps you will avoid this problem entirely by trapping yourself in an endlessly-repeated existential quandary of using the consumption of goods and services as a substitute for real human connection, of turning cold hard cash into a fleeting but addictive rush of endorphins and chemicals that build the necessary demand for the yokel of exploitative labor straddled across the backs of humans here and abroad. Or perhaps you will eat a chili dog and think no further of it.

But nevertheless, it is with these disparate experiences that you may cobble together a singularly-fulfilling twenty-six hours. Even if you are wracked with guilt and self-doubt, and even if you futilely wonder if your impending disappearance will be worth the long-term benefits gained, you may know that for all your worry and second-guessing you can still have an enjoyable time in Minneapolis. It is not enough time to do everything, of course; there are many things you could substitute for these Human Foods, Ground Walking, and Goods Consumption. You could take a day trip to St. Paul and see the Mississippi river from the high bridge, or go to Lake Minnetonka and cry inadequately at your lack of wealth, or explore a chain of three of the ten thousand lakes that you promised you would someday get to count. There is a wealth of experiences to be had here. But your [friend] will hopefully appreciate the time spent with you as much as you appreciate the time spent with them, despite your sadness and confusion. And she will be none the wiser that you are, in fact, twenty-seven seagulls in a Hawaiian shirt.