Ranking All the 3D Mario Games

“So long, Gay Bowser”

Hey, remember when I said last week that I would be talking about deep sea creatures? Well, I changed my mind, and that’s entirely because my girlfriend, Cheyenne, bought me a copy of Super Mario 3D All-Stars (which just came out a few days ago) as an early birthday present, and I was both incredibly surprised and ecstatic, because I’ve wanted this game since I heard about it… well, a month ago. I didn’t know about it until recently. Technically, no one did. But I have it now, and I was so thrilled, I attempted to launch into a monologue about ranking the 3D Mario games for my girlfriend. But before I could begin my verbal spewing, she said, “hey, why don’t you write a blog post about that?” So I did.

I’m thrilled that Cheyenne got me a copy. It was such a sweet surprise after a stressful week. And it’s great, of course. How could it not be? Three of the greatest video games of all time in one cartridge is a recipe for success, or at least lots and lots of money for Nintendo. But, there are some issues. For one, I’ve played all the games before, and as excited as I am to revisit them, there aren’t exactly any surprises in store. I’ve read some reviews, and while I personally disagree with the notion that the games haven’t aged well (I think they’ve aged great), I do agree with the sense that Nintendo could have done more. They kind of threw everything together, seemingly at the last minute. No concept art, no updated control options, no new content, no Gay Bowser, nothing. Plus there’s that weird limited-release window, which all kind of adds up to one thing; this is a money machine for Nintendo. They’re going to milk it for all it’s worth, and boy will it be worth a lot.

Nintendo is a business, at the end of the day, and the bottom line is what matters the most. I guess I’m a part of the problem, because I would have bought the game myself if Cheyenne hadn’t surprised me with it. But maybe that’s a good problem to have, as there are certainly worse things I could be complaining about right now, in 2020, this year of disasters. World-wide pandemics. Continued police brutality. Tons of hurricanes. Climate-change driven wildfires. The death of Ruth Bader Ginsberg, last bastion of hope in the upper echelons of government. I guess this just proved my grandfather right; if her death means another conservative judge or another Brett Kavanaugh, then maybe she should have retired when Obama was still president, just to get another younger liberal judge on there. But either way, she was an inspiration and an incredible leader. RIP, RBG. She’ll be missed.

I’m lucky enough and privileged enough that I don’t have to deal with any of that first-hand. And that means I’ve privileged enough to write about video games at a time like this, when the world is (sometimes literally) on fire. So I guess let’s get back to the main topic at hand? No one needs me to tell them how much of a shitshow things are right now. We might all be better off if I just rant about Mario some more.

Regardless of the fact that Mario 3D All-Stars is Nintendo’s latest cash grab, it’s still pretty great to play. The games feel as awesome as always, it’s so cool to have the first three 3D Mario games on the go, and I’m really happy to be able to go through them again without having to set up my old Wii. Of course, I guess I still could have played all these old games for free, via emulation. I have actually emulated Mario 64 on my PC before, and have the capability to emulate Sunshine and Galaxy. But I always feel vaguely bad about emulation, even though the only one “hurting” from it is a massive corporate entity with no feeling. And sometimes emulators can be a little sketchy if you don’t get them right, so it just seems safest to get the official version. Even if it doesn’t have Gay Bowser.

I keep talking about how good these games are, but how good are they, actually? How do they compare to the others? Are they really the best? Well, I don’t know about “The Best,” but they are the first three 3D Mario games, as long as you don’t count the Wario game for the Virtual Boy. Though it’s kind of hard to say which ones are the best, because a) there’s only seven main-line 3D Mario games, and b) they’re all pretty damn good. It’s kind of like trying to choose your favorite family member; difficult to do and someone’s always going to be offended. But I’ll try anyway, because like everyone on the internet, I have very strong opinions and feel the need to share them, just as I tried to do with my girlfriend. So, then. Let’s-a go.

7. Super Mario 3D Land (2011)

It was pretty easy for me to choose my lowest two 3D Mario titles, but harder to choose the lowest. It’s not like there’s anything wrong with Super Mario 3D Land; quite the contrary. It’s a good game! The platforming is tight, the levels are colorful, and it’s got a lot of content. It’s definitely a Mario game. But that was where I stumbled with it; I couldn’t, for the life of me, remember a single unique part of this game. Despite playing through the whole thing, I couldn’t tell you what the best level was, or what any level was, honestly. It’s good, but for a Nintendo game, it was kind of… bland? I don’t even remember.

What I do remember is pre-ordering the game, when it first came out in 2011. As a bonus for pre-ordering the game, I got a little keychain of Mario in a Tanooki suit. I don’t know why I wanted that keychain, as it wasn’t like I even had a set of keys. But I got it anyway, and yet, somehow, I got a defective one; there were red stains on Mario’s face underneath the plastic coating of the keychain. It wasn’t like someone splattered some ink on it during shipment; it was made in a factory with that stain. My friends and I joked about it being Mario’s blood or something, and the keychain became known to us as Bloody Mario. I still have it somewhere, actually. Maybe I should get a picture of it, just as proof that it exists.

6. Super Mario Sunshine (2002)

Come on, we’re all kind of thinking it. Let’s be real here; Super Mario Sunshine is definitely the weakest of the three games in 3D All-Stars. Some people love, a lot of other people hate it, most people are just kind of “meh” about it. It’s the most divisive 3D Mario game by far, and maybe one of the most divisive Mario games in general. When it’s good, it’s good; the platforming is just as tight as always, the art style is perfect, and the level design is unique, even for Nintendo. That’s honestly what puts it above 3D Land for me; Sunshine is a way more interesting game. But while interesting is all well and good, from a technical standpoint, Sunshine is almost never the better game. Using flood on the Gamecube controller is a little wonky, some object collisions don’t work all that well, certain design choices are questionable at best, and there’s a whole laundry list of shitty levels that you can very well get stuck on for an hour or more. For example:

There’s the level where you have to clean goop off of a spooky old hotel, except it requires perfect precision, a feature that the game was not built for. There’s a level where you have to spray a slot machine to get the symbols to match, except again, this requires perfect aim. There’s the last level before Bowser, which is a boring slog through a tube of lava. There’s all those times you have to chase Bowser Jr. around Delfino Plaza and can’t catch up with him. There’s that stupid fucking sandbird that can’t get its fucking wings on straight. And there’s the Pachinko machine. Fuck that Pachinko machine.

But, hey, at least I can remember them. It’s more than I can say about 3D Land.

5. Super Mario 3D World (2013)

Here’s where we start to get into more questionable territory; I know, generally, how I want to group my Mario games, but the order within groups is questionable in itself. For example, Sunshine and 3D Land are clearly the back of the pack. But who goes in the middle? Which game gets to be just mediocre? Not a top-tier platformer but better than Sunshine? Well, I’ll give you the answer; 3D World lost out.

This list is going to be as much based on my own emotional connection to each game as it is based on the games own merits; that makes it easier for me to decide which one I like more, as opposed to which one is, strictly speaking, the better game. Because this game is great; the Cat Suit is fun, the levels are varied and interesting and much more memorable than 3D Land, and it’s a really pretty-looking game. The neon bowser levels are so cool, like with the car and train. There’s a Japanese temple level that I particularly like; I have a weirdly specific memory associating that level with the Family Video in my town. Then why put it so low?

The easy answer is because the other games are just so much better. The harder answer is because, well, it just doesn’t have the same emotional resonance for me as other Mario games.

4. Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010)

Galaxy 2 is less of a standalone game and more of an expansion of Super Mario Galaxy. It’s got a lot of the same game assets, same general physics system and gameplay style, and same Galaxy sense of whimsy. Which is fine, because Super Mario Galaxy is great, and so is this one. There’s tons of new items, enemies, and locations to explore here, with different challenges and secrets. It’s harder to justify putting it any higher, though, because it feels so much like what the developers would have already included in Galaxy if they had more time. That’s okay, though, because it’s still one of the greatest 3D platformers around.

Of course, it also had Lubba, that fat oaf of a purple star that I distinctly recall being a sworn enemy of Nintendo Power. Yes, I remember Nintendo Power existing, and even got the last issue in the mail. I loved getting that magazine every month, even if I only had a subscription for a little bit, but one of the things I remember most from that ill-fated publication was their hatred of both Lubba and Big the Cat, for whatever unfathomable reason. Whatever reason it was, though, I’m sure those two fat imbeciles learned an important lesson; don’t Hassle the Hoff.

3. Super Mario Odyssey (2017)

I hate putting Odyssey so low on this list. On any other list, 3rd place wouldn’t be too bad; but on a list of only seven games, and when the game is question is so fucking good, it’s a shame it’s “only” third place. Maybe my feelings will change over time, and someday my nostalgia for this game will replace my nostalgia for others, but for now, it’s got to sit nicely in this spot. Because while pretty much all three of the top games in this list are comparable in quality, I don’t have the same emotional connection to Odyssey that I do with the others. Yet.

Oh, but what a game anyway. Mario’s got his most advanced moveset yet, making just running around feel good. Jump, slide, dive, throw your hat, bounce off your hat, throw your had again, launch yourself in mid air, and before you know it, you can skip entire areas with ridiculous feats of acrobatics. It’s nuts how fluid this game is. And every unique, interesting level is literally bursting from its ass from being so full of collectables. My personal favorite stage is definitely the Steam Gardens, but New Donk City is just… *Chef’s kiss* marvelous.

You can control a fucking T. Rex. It’s the best.

2. Super Mario Galaxy (2007)

Super Mario Galaxy is the first game that I completed 100%. I got every star, beat every level, found every secret. Even when I got stuck on my last star and had to use probably fifty lives to get all 100 purple coins in the dark matter Luigi zone, I still beat the game. And it’s easy to see why I was so compelled to see everything this game had to offer; it’s bright, colorful, fun, and most of all, feels great to play. The music is some of the greatest video game music of all time, hands down, and every level feels like a classic. The spherical level design opens up all sorts of new possibilities, and for once in a (non-Paper) Mario game, there’s actually an interesting story. I did cry the first time I read Rosalina’s storybook. But, I was also, like nine. Maybe ten.

I remember trying a demo of this game in a Best Buy pretty soon after it came out, and realized that I had to get it. I was hooked from the start; it was so much fun to explore, and jumping around as Mario, or floating around as a Boo, or twisting through the skies with a red star, never gets old. From punching a skeleton fish in the face to riding a manta-ray over a race track, and from climbing across broken space stations to exploring distant fields of flowers, I didn’t want the game to end. But even when it did, I was happy, knowing that I did not regret my time spent in this little world. I can’t really think of anything bad to say about it, all things considered. So why isn’t it number one, then? Well…

1. Super Mario 64 (1996)

Because there’s no way that the number one spot could go to anything other than Mario 64.

Mario 64 isn’t a perfect game. The camera can be weird, the graphics are, well, 90’s polygons, certain mechanics are irritating (I’ve always hated using the Wing Cap), and there are certain physics and collision issues that crop up from time to time. But all this being said, Mario 64 still beats out the other 3D Mario games for three reasons; sentimentality, legacy, and memes.

Of course, the sentimentality is easy for me. Mario 64 was the first 3D Mario game I played; I would play it for ten minutes at a time in the waiting room of my first dentist’s office, but I never got past Bob-Omb Battlefield. I needed to see more of that game, but when we moved away, my hopes were dashed. Then, light; one Easter, my parents got me a copy of Super Mario 64 DS, and my mind was blown. I hadn’t even known that game existed, let alone how my parents knew to get it for me. But the rest was history; I played that game to hell and back, packing hours into switching between Yoshi, Mario, Luigi, and Wario. And of course playing poker with Luigi. Some people don’t like the DS remake, but to me, it may actually be the superior version. I couldn’t say, I haven’t played it in years now, and some people hate the controls of the DS version. But that game, and to a greater extent Mario 64, set the foundation for me as a person who plays games.

But I wasn’t alone in that; Mario 64 is one of the very first 3D platformers, and it set the standard for every 3D platformer to follow. It introduced mainstream gaming to a new dimension, with vast freedoms of movement and control. Its legacy extends even into games today, and in the minds of players. Nowhere else would you really find a game that’s inspired as much creativity and collaboration as Mario 64. From insane speedruns of the game to beating entire levels without pressing the jump button, or remaking the game in modern day engines for modern day players (or into a terrible mess), its scope is legendary. The gaming world would be a very different place without Mario 64, and if you ask me, likely worse off. It would certainly have fewer insane memes.

I mentioned earlier the sad tale of Gay Bowser, and linked just above the infamous 0.5x A Presses run of “Watch for Rolling Rocks,” which is a meme in and of itself, but the iceberg goes much deeper than that. Much, much deeper. From creepypasta-esque horror stories about cursed versions of the game, to theories that every copy of Super Mario 64 is personalized to the player, the fingerprint left by this game on the psyche of certain groups of people is undeniable. And I’m a member of that group, in a sense; I love the memes, I love learning about the game, and I love, of course, playing the game. There aren’t a whole lot of games I’m willing to play again and again, but Mario 64 is one of them. Even if it isn’t the biggest, or prettiest, or even best-controlling, Mario 64 is, beyond a doubt in my mind, the greatest and most important 3D Mario game. And even if Nintendo is just sticking their grubby fingers in our wallets again, I’m thrilled to have a chance to play this game again.

“Thank you so much for playing my game!”? No, Mario, thank you.