Four Strange Birds: A List

“Birds of a Feather Stomp Prey Together”

I like birds.  I’ve said it countless times now, both in real life and online.  The more observant of my readers may have gleaned this information from the subtle nature of my website’s name.  But there is, in fact, a species of bird in the name of this blog.  Crazy, right?

As much as I love birds, owls have always been my favorite above all others, with parrots as a very close second.  But I know a lot about birds in general, from all different families and sets of species.  From flightless birds to birds that never land, I’ve got info on them all.  And let me tell you, there are some weird birds out there.

In addition to sounding like a great name for an alt-rock band, here are four strange birds. They are in no particular order and with no scientifically measurable scale of weirdness.  Maybe you can pull one of these facts out of your ass at the next party and people will look at you in wonder before slowly moving away.  Or you can just look at the funny pictures of birds.  That’s usually what I do.

Kakapo (Strigops habroptilus)

Let’s start this list off strong with a critically endangered bird that’s actually been on the rebound recently.  Besides looking like an over-sized parakeet, the Kakapo is basically the crossbred lovechild of my two favorite kinds of birds; it’s a nocturnal parrot, sometimes even called an owl parrot.  What could be better?

It’s flightless and native to New Zealand, and has the distinction of being the heaviest parrot and possibly one of the oldest living birds in the world.  Unfortunately, there are only 148 living individuals, but luckily every single one of them has a name.  The Kakapo Recovery Programme (hey, don’t look at me, they spelled it funny) keeps tabs on every known individual and gives them names, both English and Māori.

We’ve got such names as Attenborough, Blades, Kanawera, Sirocco, Pura, Evohe, and my personal favorite, Bluster-Murphy.  I always wanted to get a Cockatoo and name it Ulysses, but I might have to take a page from the Kakapos and go with Bluster-Murphy.  Or maybe I’ll adopt him instead.

Much like other species of birds that are only found on one or two islands, they’re endangered because European colonialists brought rats, cats, snakes, and pigs to an island previously devoid of large predators, where those predators started to eat everything and everyone.  There are currently only two islands known to be safe for the Kakapo.  But it’s better than zero.

Potoo (Family Nyctibiidae)

Native to central and South America, this isn’t technically one species of bird but rather a family of similar species, though from what I’ve seen they all kind of look the same.  And when I say look the same, I mean they all look like a goddamned nightmare.  Look at this bird.

That’s the kind of thing that I see when I close my eyes after watching an alien movie, not something I want staring down at me from a jungle tree.  Since they’re also nocturnal, their pupils have to be huge to catch as much light as possible, hence the unsettling voids that are their eyes.  Though they can also contract them during the daytime.

They’re related to Nightjars (or “Goat Suckers”) and Frogmouths (or “what the fuck are you“), and feed on insects by diving through the air to catch them.  They perch on tree stumps during they day like some sort of obscene Lorax and lay one single egg directly on a stump.  It’s also why their feathers are brown; it’s good camouflage.

When I first learned about this bird, my club at school was hosting some sort of taco party.  It wasn’t to raise funds or anything, it was just a social event.  I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea, but I wanted, nay, needed to include this bird in the event somehow.  So I made this thing:

Is it eating the tacos?  Is it spitting them out?  I don’t know.  I don’t think it matters.  The fact that I made it was enough for me.

Shoebill (Balaeniceps rex)

Here’s a bird from African with ridiculously long legs that looks weird.  It’s called the Shoebill, otherwise known as the Whalehead, and it sometimes shits on itself.

Self-defecation is actually a pretty common trait among large birds in warm climates, and for good reason.  Birds can’t sweat, so they have to cool themselves off somehow.  Several species of vulture and other storks are known to do this, too.  But the Shoebill is just the weirdest-looking bird to poop on its own legs.

There isn’t really much else notable about this bird besides its strange face and the fact that it keeps cool in a certain, uh, special way.  It eats fish much likes most storks and herons, and will stand still for long periods of time while it waits for prey to swim nearby.  It stands so still that people have equated it to a statue.

I guess it has one last feature that makes it pretty strange, and that’s the sounds it makes.  Besides making low moo-like sounds and high-pitched squeaks, they clatter their beak to make something that sounds kind of like a motorcycle engine.  Why do they do this?  Probably for territorial reasons.  But no one asks the Shoebill, since they’re afraid it might poop on them.

Secretarybird (Sagittarius serpentarius)

Although you might not know the name of this African bird, those of you who frequent the weirder corners of the internet may be familiar with the Secretarybird from this video.  Or it’s alternate Pokémon version.

I think this bird is just kind of goofy-looking.  It’s got those long-ass legs and those paintbrushes sticking out of its head, plus its eyes are surrounded by that bare skin and it just looks stressed all the time, much like art students.

It actually gets its name from the feathers that pop out of its head; apparently, they resemble pencils that secretaries would keep behind their ears, back in the olden days when people still used pencils.  So they named them after what they resembled, though they could just have easily been named Pencilbird.

Another fun fact that makes this particular species stand out is that it has mad karate skills.  As seen in the video I showed you above, those legs aren’t just for show.  They’re weapons of mass destruction, and this bird has a license to carry; it’s actually related pretty closely to hawks and eagles, so it’s carnivorous.  It uses its legs to curb-stomp lizards and small mammals to death before swallowing it whole, after which it presumably collects a bounty from Tony Soprano.

Oh, and if that wasn’t enough for you, the Secretary Bird is also immune to certain doses of snake venom.  It’s been traditionally referred to in some areas as the “Devil’s Horse,” for the way it kicks its enemies to death.  I’d officially like to propose a vote to grant this bird the title of most metal bird of all time, or at the very least, one of the strangest.